At 21 I was diagnosed with ADHD. But that’s definitely not where it all started.
I sit here writing this after taking a small dose of stimulant…don’t worry I’m not on speed.
Equasym is what it’s called, and only 10mg which to those of you who aren’t sure is only a very small dose, the same amount of that given to a child who’s teachers may be concerned for their safety (that really is what it says on Google).
I don’t usually take this but on the odd occasion it helps me focus, especially when larges bouts of concentration are needed. once again, just a little disclaimer. It is mine. I do have a prescription.
I had never heard of ADHD until it became a joke, only recently have I realised that Natasha Bedingfield sung about it in ‘These words’ (great song by the way)
“I tried to focus my attention but I feel so ADD” I’m with you on that one Natasha.
A major part of me was terrified when I spontaneously decided to start writing a blog, and that wasn’t the idea of talking about myself and sending it off into the world for everyone to read, it was because not a single part of me was confident that I wasn’t just going to get bored and sack it off within seconds.
Impulsivity. Those of you in the ADHD family will chuckle in solidarity.
It’s been really hard finding the words to start writing this, a part of me wants to tell a story and make it funny, but a part of me is angry and wants to throw facts at you and scream “It’s not fair!”
So maybe I’ll do a little bit of both.
I’ve always had an underlying feeling of frustration growing up. I did know the answer to that maths question, I knew how to say that in French, I knew how to answer that English paper… It was in there, I just couldn’t seem to spit it out.
Why couldn’t I?
Maybe it was because Party Rock anthem was playing on repeat directly over the top of the answer.
Or because I was told by our schools deputy head that I wasn’t good enough to pass my exams, I was then labelled with dyslexia and placed in room with the other ‘underachieving’ students and from there we were all to work silently together…yeah right!
I understand there’s millions of children in schools all across the world and it’s not easy to fully support each and every one, but all I ask is that time is given to each child to understand why they might be at the bottom of their class or why they might be so called ‘acting up’.
Never Have I been more relieved than the moment I opened my GCSE results, not because I was particularly bothered with the letter that came after science or French or even drama…but because I had struggled so much with the idea of having to relive any of the past five years.
ADHD and education is a blog title itself and maybe I’ll write it one day, but for now I’d like to tell a little bit of my story.
I am bursting to write this though…I was lucky enough to have a circle of support from a select few mentors and teachers whilst growing up. They got me to where I needed and wanted to be today. A quote from one particular teacher that I believe everyone should hear “Life deals you difficult challenges but the way you choose to deal with them determines how happy you are- once you realise this, the rest is easy”.
I failed every single one of my sociology exams in college but I learnt more than any textbook could ever teach me in those classes because my teacher believed I was learning in my own way.
An automatic thought response for anybody when you even utter the word ADHD is to picture a little boy who sits in class and blows spit balls at the teacher, you’re not to blame for that, as it’s due the fact that unfortunately all tests and research done for ADHD have been done on men and boys.
What people have failed to see is the young girl who sits at the back of the class unable to concentrate and struggling to keep up with her class mates.
I found this to be very true in my story too, and to further that struggle it only became more and more apparent as the years went on.
My ADHD presented itself in many different ways, some ways that seemed obvious and some ways were buried a little deeper.
I always knew I had anxiety. A constant niggle in the back of my head even in the most relaxed stages of my life…I was never one hundred percent okay.
I told my secondary school councillor that I was aware of my anxiety but I didn’t want to let it affect me so I learnt to forget.
Until forgetting was no longer possible. I became irritable, I struggled to express my emotions, my clothes became uncomfortable and my mood closely resembled a big red button that clearly stated ‘DO NOT TOUCH’…I think this might be more than just Anxiety.
After countless phone calls with mental health professional and an official diagnosis of anxiety and mild panic attacks I was eventually handed over to the Shropshire Mental health services with the hope of an ADHD assessment.
But that wasn’t to happen before tearing away my dreams of travelling Canada. No worse have I been than scrunched up on my apartment floor in the middle of an unknown city, unable to stand, paralysed with fear and every drop of hope drained from inside.
I’d seen better days.
It took all my energy to jump back from this. I took time and learnt to live with myself.
How did I function?
What made me happy?
I began to develop a clearer image in my head of what ADHD meant. It wasn’t just impulsivity, lack of attention and the inability to sit still.
It was spending an hour every morning finding clothes that my mind deemed calming, the constant battle between someone’s voice and the soft jazz playing in the background, the inability to simply put a wash on without somehow finding myself stood down the biscuit aisle in Aldi, and lest we forget the ADHD paralysis which rears its ugly head from time to time and makes it near impossible to even start my day.
There’s a thousand and one stories for a thousand and one people that have a thousand and one different experiences with all types of neurodivergent minds.
This is just my story so far and only a very small part of it at that.
In no way does ADHD define who I am.
But…
I had been brought up to fit into social norms just as much as the next person, which is to be expected, but that’s just not practical in today’s society.
We’re expected to ‘fit in’ and nothing else, that’s not okay.
The worlds Changing, and I think we should all change along with it.
What if we didn’t conform anymore?
What if, we began to take the time to understand each other instead.
Whether that’s understanding someone’s educational needs or just acknowledging a person’s difficulties in day to day life, each tiny change makes the world just that little bit easier.
A wise woman once told me;
“You can only Change your world, once you do that you send ripples out into the universe which can then change other people’s worlds.”
Hannah x